Unconverted Places

I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. John 13:34 (NRSV)

Did Jesus have a family? I know he did but this commandment to love one another is really hard when you apply it to family – to that family member you are estranged from because of very good reasons. Jesus must have been a really good person to be able to love that one that I am sure was in his family.

I am happy to say that the person in question is not directly related to me, in fact they connect with me by marriage only. The issues of why this person is estranged and all aren’t relevant to this Musing so let’s just say that the reasons are just and good and healthy for us all except for the one.

I think about what Jesus asks of me, to love others, to love my enemies, to love as he loves me and I find myself sorely lacking. I can love my friends and most of my family. I can love the faceless others of ISIS or whatever extremist or hate group. I can love the obnoxious neighbor or person on the train. But I find it so hard to love someone that deliberately seek to harm me or the ones I love. I find it hard to love someone who is willing to let profit be their guide in all things. I find it hard to love a leader that won’t see how rhetoric and lies and wholesale tossing out of programs and institutions damages the core of our humanity and nation. And I find it very hard to love a family member that will not do the things they need to do to be healthy and whole so they can have a meaningful connection with the rest of us.

Bishop Woody White once said something like “We all have unconverted places.” He was referencing conversation, the taking on of the challenge to be a partner of God and Christ and how even when we buy in lock, stock, and barrel there are still those unconverted places in our lives. The places we need God most and the places where we are severely challenged to live out our faith. I never liked this. It reminds me of the multitude of places that my life does not reflect my faith, values and core beliefs. In the dark of the morning when I am closeted with God these places are the ones that show through even when I try hard to cover them over or hide and ignore them.

Part of my struggle with these unconverted places is that they cause me to doubt myself. When I am unable to muster the love Christ calls me to share I wonder if I am being fair, just, righteous in my disdain for that person. I question my motives and my decisions. And I am uncertain about how seriously I take my partnership with God and Christ because I can’t seem to love as Christ loves.

I’ve been at this pastoring thing for well over 30 years so I have used every response and comfort when others have come to me with this same dilemma. My responses and comfort are genuine and heartfelt and I believe them but when I try to make them work in my own unconverted places I find them lacking. Is my faith not strong enough? Is my connection with God and Christ not deep enough? Why is it that after years of prayer, Bible study, therapy, and discernment I still have this unconverted place?

And then a truth shines forth. I am asked to love as Christ loves, perfectly. I am not perfect. I am moving on to perfection (to use a favorite Methodist phrase). This isn’t an excuse or a rationalization. It is a recognition that faithfulness isn’t a destination. It is a journey. It is remembering that I am asked to do the best I can and then try to do better. It is the honest acceptance of myself as I am and a determination to get to a better place.

With the family member in question I am civil. I am compassionate. I try to listen. But I am also honest and clear about the boundary between us. I realize that I can go only so far for now. And sometimes that is far enough even as a partner of God and Christ. Maybe that is as close to loving as Christ loves that I can get. There may be hell to pay for my inability to move further in my loving this person. But I can only go so far and then I must stop, recognizing that the gulf is not bridged.

Dear God, thank you for the imperfection of my life. Thank you for the unconverted places that remind me I am on the journey, on the way and that I still have a long way to go. I pray for those that I cannot yet love and ask that you help me grow so that I might be able one day to love them. Thank you for loving me despite my inability to love some others. Amen.