Marriage

…and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Mark 10:8-9 (NRSV)

I could go all kinds of directions with this topic. I have so many things I could say about this institution, about what it means, about how it affects us, etc. I could go off on a tangent and talk about all the related issues like adultery, Ashley Madison website, divorce, etc. But what I want to Muse about today is what my marriage means to me.

Amy and I have been married for over 33 years. I wish I could say that it was a blissful and easy 33 years but the truth is it hasn’t been easy. We have had good days, good months and good years. We have also had bad days, bad months and even a bad year or two. We have faced a lot together and sometimes weathered the storms as a team, but sometimes we each had to go it alone. We have had years of counseling together and years of counseling by ourselves. At times we have found a balance while at other times we were on the edge ready to fall. Anyone that says to you marriage is easy either isn’t being honest with you or aren’t being honest with themselves.

On the outside my family of origin was like “Leave It to Beaver” but that image was not the whole truth. My mom and dad had troubles and were not the healthiest of people when it came to emotions, relationships and being a family. Some of it had to do with their own families of origin, the times they grew up in, and the experiences of their lives. Some of it had to do with the people that they were. And some of it had to do with the choices they made. Now don’t get me wrong, there wasn’t physical abuse, no alcoholism or drug addiction, no philandering and certainly no cowering and giving in to only one “head” of the house. In a lot of ways my home was a haven when compared to many homes. Still, though it wasn’t family paradise.

I am the product of that environment, of those genes and of the times within which I came to maturity. I am also the product of years of experience, of observing others, of reading and wondering and trying to figure out who I am and how I am to be in a relationship with another mature, thinking, feeling human being. For those you who don’t know her Amy and I are very different. We share a lot of common values. We care about a lot of the same things. We have similar beliefs and goals. But how we go about life is different. This difference has brought both wonder (awe) and wonder (bewilderment) to our life together. I can say now that it is a gift and that it has helped me evolve into the person that I am. In the ever changing flow of life I can honestly say that Amy has been a steadying hand and a voice of reason more than a few times and that our togetherness – our working as a team to face what comes our way – has provided the strength needed to carry on.

Eventually one of us will die. The other one of us will carry on. We will use our years together and all that we have done, survived, and accomplished to help the survivor continue on. I know that for me it will be hard but doable because I know Amy would want me to carry on. I hope she knows that I want her to carry on too. We both know that life doesn’t end when one in the couple dies, it is just another hurdle to overcome, a change in how we relate to one another and something else that we will learn from and that will bring growth.

As my brothers have struggles in their marriages, as my Dad’s wife continues to struggle with her grief, as friends celebrate anniversaries and kids who have grown up with my kids get married I have to say to God and the universe, “thank you” for whatever caused Amy and me to find one another and invest in our relationship. It is a gift of the universe for which I am eternally grateful.

Dear God, thank you for Amy. Thank you for our life together. Thank you for the joys we’ve shared and the hurdles we have had to overcome.  Be with all those who are married. Be with those whose marriages didn’t work. Be with those who are lost in grief. Bring comfort, strength and a sense of life to all who struggle in their relationships. And I thank you God that our nation recognizes that marriage isn’t about the gender of the couple but is about two people committing themselves to one another in hopes of making a meaning life together. Amen.

A Note

If he has wronged you in any way, or owes you anything, charge that to my account. I, Paul, am writing this with my own hand: I will repay it. - Philemon 1:18-19 (NRSV)

As you are aware, my dad died in the end of April. Our family was flooded with cards and condolences. It has taken until now to get through them all. And I had to go back over all the remembrance pages people wrote at the service. Then I when back over the ones people gave us at my mom’s service. After all this reading of so many memories and condolences I was left feeling affirmed, loved, and overwhelmed by the compassion and care of so many.  Then I got in the mail a card, a thank you card to be exact. It was from someone that I had helped and it was a sincere and heartfelt thanks for what I had done. And it cemented something in my mind; a hand written note has tremendous meaning, significance and power.

It seems that electronic media has stolen a lot of the things we use to write each other about. Faxing has replaced the need to pass papers back and forth. Text messaging has replaced handwritten notes families would leave for one another. Facebook, Instagram and all the rest have taken over for well wishes and birthday greetings and congratulations and sympathy cards we once sent. More and more we are allowing the quick and easy methods of today to erode the written note.

I have been sorting through family photos and mementos from my childhood and from my parents’ past and from their parents’ past. Among the items I have come across are postcards, letters, notes and greeting cards. The postcards and greeting cards are short; quick notes that mention an event or a few words of well wishes. The letters are pages long and contain mundane information about the weather, news about what is happening in the place where the writer lives, and reflections, observations and insights shared in an intimate and trusting fashion. These letters took time and effort to write. They weren’t a quick email “hi.” They aren’t a “Happy Birthday, enjoy your day” on a Facebook page. They are personal connections between people who are sharing about what is important to them.

I have decided that I need to write some letters. I need to write to my surviving uncle on my mom’s side and check in with him. I need to write to my surviving aunt on my dad’s side and let her know I am thinking of her. I need to write my nieces and nephews and just touch base. I need to write my brothers and let them know how I am doing and ask about how they are doing. I need to do this because writing a note sends a message: I care and have written this note taking the time to connect and share.

You see, I remember when I was younger how special it was to receive something in the mail. I remember when receiving cards, notes and care packages at camp or college helped me not only survive but thrive. I remember how loved and cared for I felt when people sent sympathy cards following the deaths of my parents. I remember how my kids loved to receive cards and notes from their grandparents and others. I remember how those letters, cards and notes made me feel and how that was a feeling of connection and care and love.

So I encourage you to take a few minutes each week to write to someone you care about. Not an email, not a post on their Facebook page, not a text message from your smart phone, not a quick email from the office. Write an honest-to-goodness letter, note or card; don’t just sign your name, write something. In this world of instant contact some good old snail-mail can be special and it really does tell someone you care.

I thank you God for those who care about me, for their reaching out to me with cards and letters. Thank you for the gift of reflection and writing you have given me. Help me to employ this gift to reach out and share my love and care with others through the written word. Be with everyone I have thought of as I have been writing this. Amen.

Morning Connections

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  - Lamentations 3:22-23 (NRSV)

Every morning, four mornings a week I get out of the house around 6:10 am and walk. Half the year it’s dark to mostly dark. Half the year it is light to most light. I try to walk no matter the weather and I do so for my health, my doctors said I should and I agreed! After almost two years of this I am also now doing it for several other reasons: I feel better when I walk, I like the alone time, it starts my day off right, and I enjoy the walk.

I have noticed something interesting as my routine has developed and I have settled into a pattern, I am making morning connections. I walk alone. I have my ear buds in and music playing. But still morning connections are happening. You see there is a steady, small parade of people that I encounter on my walks. Some are walking, some running, a few walking dogs, and a couple bike riders. Most are alone; there are pairs that look like friends, spouses, or parents and young adults. I don’t see the same folks every time I walk but I do see them regularly. Some come out when it is lighter and warmer but a lot are like me, all season folks.

The thing about us is we make connections. It may be a wave. It could be a smile, maybe a tip of the head or a nod. But we connect with one another. We share something in those early morning moments. It could be an affirmation of each other’s efforts to get in shape. It might be an acknowledgment of shared determination. It might be a knowing what the other is going through. Whatever it is we connect. So much so that at least for me when I fail to see someone I normally encounter I wonder if they are ok. And if several of our regular encounters don’t happen I worry about what might have caused them to miss their morning excursion. And when I have to miss a few mornings I hope they aren’t too worried about me.

I have also noticed something else, there are a very few who will not acknowledge you. They look straight ahead and even when you wave, nod or say hi they just march or run or ride on without so much as a recognition of your presence. When this happens I feel slighted and even a bit annoyed because my other morning encounters matter and being ignored somehow lessens the morning’s experience. I have come to realize that the simple act of acknowledging another person matters and makes a difference. A smile, a nod, and a spoken “hi” all have a certain power that is unique and universal. You see I walk pass by an Asian woman, a Hispanic woman runs past me, a black man runs my route, a 20 something with tattoos and a beanie crosses my path, a pair of older men play with a dog and we all wave, nod or say “hi” and everyone does so with a smile. In those brief and often fleeing morning encounters we all recognize ourselves in the other and our common bond as human beings.

When I lived in Boston people made fun of me because I made a point of look at people and being nice. I let others get on the train ahead of me. I held doors open. I smiled and said “hi.” I wanted to make some kind of connection and I wanted to make sure that we all knew we were together in this thing called life. After saying “hi” to this one older man every time I passed him on his bench for weeks he called out to me and when I paused he said, “Thanks for noticing me.” There is power in a simple nod, a smile or a “hi.”

So I encourage you, no matter where you live and no matter the routine you have, whenever you encounter someone smile or nod or say “hi.” It is a connection that is so important in a world where the individual seems lost. When you acknowledge another it makes you both more human.

Dear God, thank you for my morning encounters and for the people I recognize on my walks. Help me to always acknowledge others and to remember the power of a smile, nod or “hi.” Amen.

Soul Ache

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God. - Psalms 42:5-6 (NRSV)

I will warn you up front, I am not in a very hopeful mood today.

Another incident in a movie theater; another story about the Voting Rights Act and its difficulties; another admission that heroin and drug addiction are a rampant problem; another story about the intensifying of the fighting in Syria; another case of a child shooting another child; another terrorist attack… And there is going to be a Republican Presidential Debate on TV complete with FOX News and all the hyperbole and one-up-mans-ship that these political spectacles provide and I am feeling blue. And to top it off, I heard on NPR that the Blues are a fading musical genre, just when I need them they are fading away.

As I have said before, I am either and optimistic pessimist or a pessimistic optimist. I like to think that more than anything else I am a realist. I don’t let my highs get to high or my lows get to low. Realistically things always seem to work out, maybe not as well as I would like; maybe not in the ways I would like but usually, in the end, things turn out ok. But today I am in a funk. I just can’t shake the feeling that things aren’t going to work out for the best. I find myself feeling hopeless in the face of so much that is negative and life sucking. I look to the heavens and I look to the inner core of my being and I look to the trees and the mountains and I look to the songs and the arts and still I am not able to shake this hopeless feeling. My self-diagnosis is that I have a soul ache. This is a pain in my soul that throbs and twinges and causes me discomfort.

And just when I think I can’t make it another day, you know the ache gets so bad that I want to give in or give up, I hear David’s words “Why are you cast down, O my soul…Hope in God…” And you know what; hope in God is the prescription for a soul ache. Like any prescription it isn’t the sole method of treatment but it usually takes the edge off and gets you started on the road to recovery. Like a diabetic who has medication to help with the peaks and valleys but still needs to adjust their lifestyle or when you have some intense pain and get a pain reliever that doesn’t make the pain go away but does dull it and make it manageable; so too when one has a soul ache you need to hope in God and then get busy finding ways to keep that hope alive.

So today I am remembering that my hope is in God and I am searching for the ways to keep that sense of hope alive. Just sharing this with you has helped. Soul Ache will be a chronic condition for many of us for the foreseeable future. As our world goes through a dramatic period of shifting and changing physically through climate change but also politically through elections and revolutions and uprisings, socially through the many and varied issues of our day and how they are addressed, religiously as extremists rise and reformations happen and a new norm is discovered, and holistically as we find the balance point for the earth and its inhabitants. My hope is in God! Our hope is in God and the faithful who can continue to live faithfully even when our souls ache. Strange things are afoot at the Circle K and around the globe. How we who call ourselves children of God respond to the change and the ache we find in our souls will be critical to how we can assist creation in moving forward.

Spiritual practices, taking care of yourself, serving others, spending time with God, joining together with family and friends, meditating, star gazing, enjoying the arts, and whatever else you do to keep your hope alive have to be priorities for you, me, us so that when we hope in God we can also keep hope alive and help hope thrive. We are the beacons of hope in the dark and storm of this age and we cannot allow our soul ache to consume us. Get help, take the cure and never, ever forget that our hope is in God!

Dear God, thank you for being there. Thank you for caring. Thank you for being my hope and my prayer. Inspire me to be hope for others. Thank you for all the ways you have given me to feed my hope and keep it alive. Amen.

Comments are welcome.

To be removed from this list reply to this email.