To Muse or Not to Muse That Is Not the Question

If your revelation hadn't delighted me so, I would have given up when the hard times came. But I'll never forget the advice you gave me; you saved my life with those wise words. Save me! I'm all yours. I look high and low for your words of wisdom. Psalms 119:92-94 (The Message)

As busy as the last couple of weeks have been I did think, “Maybe I should give up my Musing for awhile, take a break from this weekly (to use a George Carlin line) brain dropping.” But then I realized something, I am always musing, reflecting, wondering and trying to figure out myself and my life. It never stops, never ends and is a constant part of what I do and who I am. Maybe that’s a confession of mental illness but it is my reality. So for those of you who thought in my earlier lines that this might be a fond farewell it isn’t. You’re stuck with these weekly windows into the strange and sometimes wise workings of my heart, mind and soul.

I like to reflect on what’s happening around me, what I am feeling, how I am reacting to something going on. I enjoy sharing thoughts and letting you know what’s causing me pain or bringing me joy. As an introvert this is a safe way to share myself with others so that you have a sense of who I am as I get a sense of who you are through your comments, your reactions and those times we contact in person. It is also a way that I can share with you my theology, my understanding of God, and my take on how to live faithfully.

These Musings help me in another way; they help me to deal with the scary, tragic, awesome, unreal, disappointing and confusing aspects of life in the 21^st Century. Putting something down on virtual paper helps me to get my head around things, to get in touch with what I am feeling, and to let my joy or grief or confusion out and allow it to be seen, heard and in some way dealt with.

These Musings might just be my way of Journaling, or using a diary, of helping me to know and understand what has and is happening in my life. I know that at times, when I read back over what I have written I am surprised at what has come out, it could be something profoundly personal, it could be a way of looking at something that I wasn’t really paying attention to, it could be a way to focus upon myself and my relationship with God. In some way and at some times these Musings are my way of getting a handle on what it means to be a person of faith in the Christian tradition in our time and place.

So now I have a confession to make, I do these Musings for myself and then just let you in on them. I don’t think about how you, the reader will react, I rarely think about how you might receive them or if what I am writing will somehow convince you of something. I write these to get my thoughts together, to help myself deal with things that are important to me or that have caught my attention. These Musings are one way I listen for the voice of God, pay attention to the voice of God, try and make some sense of the voice of God and check to see if what I am hearing is the voice of God.

That sounds kind of weird, and very egocentric. But it is true. I Muse because I have to and I do it for myself. I want to help others in their efforts to make sense of life and to delve into their faith and relationship with God so I share these with you but only as a window into what I think, feel, believe and do and not as a prescription of what you should do (though I do think, at times, I suggest what you might do and maybe suggest it strongly).

So thank you for letting me drop some of my brain, my life, myself, and my faith on you. I hope that in some small way it helps you.

Dear God, thanks for giving me a heart to feel, a mind to think, a soul to connect with, and people to share with. I seek to be a faithful child of yours, help me in that endeavor. Bless all those who read or receive these Musings. Amen.

Retirement; OMG

When Methuselah had lived one hundred eighty-seven years, he became the father of Lamech. Methuselah lived after the birth of Lamech seven hundred eighty-two years, and had other sons and daughters. Thus all the days of Methuselah were nine hundred sixty-nine years; and he died. Genesis 5:25-27 (NRSV)

Let me begin with another apology for not sending along a Musing last week. My Life is getting to full and once in awhile something has to give. Last week it was my Musing.

Earlier this week I attended my first Pre-Retirement Seminary. Friends have told me I should do this at least three times: once to get my head around retirement, once to get serious about thinking about retirement and once to get my questions answered as retirement looms large in the very near future.

One piece of information you get is a projection of what your retirement income will look like from our pension and related sources. They run these projections based on meeting full retirement requirements. When I read mine something took me by surprise that maybe shouldn’t have, I am eligible for full pension benefits at age 63 because I will have 40 years of service. That’s 6 years away! I can’t be this old! I can’t possibly be this close to retirement. My shock was tempered when I discovered that full Social Security benefits aren’t available to me until I am 66 years and 8 months old so that means I can put off this life change at least another ten years if I want. Add to this that Amy has told me with great force and stern face that I will NOT retire before she does and my date with destiny is a bit vaguer.

I like to joke about the fact that I am not as old as my kids make me. I just can’t have my youngest child being 21; my youngest grandson (at the moment) just turning 5. I just can’t believe that I am that old. Sure there are some signs of aging; I wear bifocals now, my hair is gone, my upper range hearing has taken a hit, my knees and ankles scream at me of the abuse I have piled upon them. But there are also signs that I am not that old; not much gray in the hair I do have, I only take an aspirin a day and no other medications, I still enjoy a good rock concert and stay up late. I know I am being stereotypic in my descriptions but you get my point.

Now some people say aging is a state of mind. I agree to a point. I know many people in the 80’s who are vibrant, active, involved and engaged in life. They often say things like, “I like to help older people.” I also know folks in their 60’s that can’t get around, are debilitated by health issues and the results of life choices and that are withdrawn from life. Age can be a state of mind assisted by physical, mental and emotional issues. A couple factors seem to play into how well someone ages. First there is supportive community; people and family that wrap you in love, care and concern. They keep you young by keeping you active and involved and by giving you the assistance you need. Another factor is health care. If you have good quality health care and take advantage of it you age more gracefully. A factor in this is also financial. If you have the resources life is less stressful, you can keep up your independence to a larger degree and the numbers of choices available to you are greater. None of this guarantees a longer, fuller, healthier, happier life but it does contribute.

So after my initial shock at being this close to an age when I could retire I realized that in many ways I am extremely well off. I have a good pension plan (knock on wood and the world doesn’t fall apart). I have Social Security and Medicare (assuming that the US government doesn’t default and keeps managing the Trust Fund well). I have good health insurance. I have a loving family. I have a core group of beloved friends. I have an active and engaged mind. I am doing things to care for my body and my mind and my spirit. I have the resources and the ability to do those things. All in all I have realized once again how truly blest I am and how much I have and am humbled by the comparison of my wealth with that of so many others.

I know I’m not retiring in 6 years. I’m pretty sure I won’t be in 10 (Amy’s wishes do come into play). But whenever I do retire I know that the potential is there for me to have what I need to make my “golden years” a special time. I’m just not ready to enter them yet. I want to say to those of you who are retired I am watching you to learn how to move into this stage of life. I am taking notes so that I can learn how best to make the most of this next phase of life. Whether you are 55 or 85 I see in many of you the traits and life choices that I want to emulate when I do retire. One of the blessings in my life is you who are retired and doing it with compassion, flair, integrity and fun. Thank you for your example. God bless you!

Dear God, help me to realize how truly blest I am. Help me to remember those who are not as blest as I am. Lead me to do what I can to help others so that they can have what they need in this life. Thank you for all I do have. Thank you for the witness of those who are retired that show me how to faithfully live. Bless them. Amen.