Pride

Some take pride in chariots, and some in horses, but our pride is in the name of the Lord our God.

 - Psalms 20:7 (NRSV)

Pride lands you flat on your face; humility prepares you for honors.  - Proverbs 29:23 (The Message)

Don’t worry; I am not starting a series of Musings on the Seven Deadly Sins. I am conflicted however. You see all my life I have been taught that pride is not a good thing. Pride is defined as: a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.; The state or feeling of being proud. A becoming or dignified sense of what is due to oneself or one's position or character; self-respect; self-esteem; Pleasure or satisfaction taken in something done by or belonging to oneself or believed to reflect credit upon oneself; Something that causes a person or persons to be proud. As one of the Seven Deadly Sins (I couldn’t avoid going there) pride is: excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

The conflict within me has to do with the battle lines that have been drawn by my religion, culture, tradition and family upbringing. Obviously the idea that belief in your own abilities is dangerous is part of the corrupt interpretation of the Christian faith that has been passed on over the last several centuries. It all goes back to the likes of St. Augustine who said things like: It was Pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as angels. I was taught in church and at home that you shouldn’t be too confident in your own abilities because it would somehow cause you to put less trust in God.

 

My folks were so confused about what to do they seemed to never fully land in either camp. They would tell me how great a job I had done and how proud they were of me and then in the very next breathe they would remind me that I could do more, be better and that I shouldn’t be too confident in my own abilities. This problem wasn’t just my own. It had gotten so bad in our culture that we began to realize that self-esteem and self-confidence were lacking in many people due to our cultural and religious hesitation and uncertainty regarding pride. When my kids were in elementary school self-confidence was a big part of everything they did from no letter grades (It’s how you do not how you rank with others) to participation trophies (no one is better than anyone else we all are equally important). While I think this helped a lot of kids to feel better about themselves it still didn’t get at the core of the conflict we have created – satisfaction and confidence verses a drive for perfection and pride.

 

I am proud of my children. I am proud of Amy. I am proud of my church. I am proud of the way I am leading my church. I am proud of what I have been able to accomplish in my life. I am proud of those I know who are doing well. But even writing this makes little bells go off in my head. Who am I to think I am doing a good job? Why should I feel pride for something that isn’t done as well as it might be? How is it that in all my imperfections and failings I can be proud of anything that I have done?

 

It has taken me years but I have gotten to the place where I can let those little bells toll and not let their ringing dampen the pride I feel in myself and others over things and life well done. I think we all need to take pride in a job well done. I think we all need to allow for ourselves to be proud of what others have accomplished. I think we all should let the pride flow when successes come. I also agree that we need to never, ever let our pride, self-confidence, etc displace God. I don’t believe in the interference God (God jumps in and makes things happen) but I do believe that what is right and good and just comes from a place deeper than just my or any other person’s ability. I believe that we are all uniquely gifted and that when we put our gifts to work for the common good and join our gifts with those of others who are also working for the common good we are doing something holy, something divine and God is present there. The sum or the parts is greater than the individual elements. It isn’t all thanks to the individuals present because something else is there as well, God is there.

 

I realize that I haven’t said everything I have to say on this subject. I also realize that I am not sure what else I need to say right now. So I will end this Musing without a clear finish to it.

 

Dear God, thank you for making me who I am, for all the unique and special things that make me who I am. Help me to be confident and proud of who I am and what I do. Help me to also join my efforts with those of others so that together we can be more and do more than we could alone. Thank you for all your gifted children. Amen.

 

Halloween or All Hallows Eve

They were startled and terrified, and thought that they were seeing a ghost. [Jesus] said to them, "Why are you frightened, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? Look at my hands and my feet; see that it is I myself. Touch me and see; for a ghost does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have." -  Luke 24:37-39 (NRSV)

Halloween or Harvest Festival? It seems that as we approach All Saints Day the debate rages about what the correct Christian thing is to do with the night before this most hallowed celebration of the church. To begin we need just a little background. Where exactly did this Halloween come from? I turned to one of my favorite sources for information historical and found this summary of the holiday:

Straddling the line between fall and winter, plenty and paucity, life and death, Halloween is a time of celebration and superstition. It is thought to have originated with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off roaming ghosts. In the eighth century, Pope Gregory III designated November 1 as a time to honor all saints and martyrs; the holiday, All Saints’ Day, incorporated some of the traditions of Samhain. The evening before was known as All Hallows’ Eve and later Halloween. Over time, Halloween evolved into a secular, community-based event characterized by child-friendly activities such as trick-or-treating. In a number of countries around the world, as the days grow shorter and the nights get colder, people continue to usher in the winter season with gatherings, costumes and sweet treats.

(From: http://www.history.com/topics/halloween/history-of-halloween)

There is a lot more detail about the roots of Halloween, its traditions and their origins so check it out if you want to know more. My interest is in the fact that present day Christians seem torn about this annual dip into the mysterious, monstrous, metaphysical and macabre.   Many of us don’t like the evil or demonic bent to this annual celebration of the dark side while at the same time our culture has adopted Halloween. It ranks 8^th on the list for holiday spending which includes Back to School and the Super Bowl. When you look at what I would call holidays Halloween is 6^th behind (in order) Winter Holidays, Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Easter, and Father’s Day. In the US we spent $6.9 billion on Halloween last year. So why is it that Halloween has such a hold on us? All the holidays that come in ahead of it on the spending list include the expectations of expensive gifts yet on Halloween we give out candy and usually small treats that don’t cost a lot. The spending on Halloween is mainly for costumes and decorations.

In anthropological terms some form of holiday that has as its main component ghost, spirits, demons, etc is almost universal among human cultures throughout time. Call it superstition, call it fear, call it an attempt to understand things that go bump in the night, call it a way to address the human need for understanding what happens after death, call it whatever but this celebration of the mysterious and monstrous seems hardwired into the human psyche. To pretend that Christians don’t share in this is absurd. All you have to do is look at the healing stories of Jesus to see the presence of this in our roots. All you have to do is look at the official rituals of the Roman Catholic Church to find ones for exorcisms. Why then do we want to gloss it over or in some way separate ourselves from this very human holiday?

Mostly, I think, it has to do with appearances. That’s right, some Christians want to present themselves to the world in a way that makes them appear more civilized, less superstitious, less carried away by fanciful and in their minds, twisted aspects of the unsaved hordes. After all, they believe, if we say that we are God’s chosen ones we have nothing to fear. They think that the waters of baptism remove the mysterious and monstrous from their midst. They honestly believe that by wearing a mummy mask, going trick-or-treating, carving pumpkins and enjoying the mysterious you are somehow give Satan an opening to attack your very soul.

But the stuff of Halloween is beneficial to us. Psychologist tells us that it is healthy to have a way to let yourself go, be scared and try on another way of life in a safe and socially accepted way. The scary aspect allows us to experience an adrenaline rush in a safe way but also to master deep-seat fears. It gives us a way to harmlessly live out our fantasies. Fundamentally healthy people want to be scared in a safe environment so they can experience the feelings and learn about how they react to fear without worrying about the outcome. Halloween, horror movies, roller coasters, etc all provide us with a way to safely explore fear and our reactions and help us learn how to deal with fear when it comes up in our lives.

So I encourage you to put on that costume of the person you most want to be like but aren’t. Take in a haunted tour of some house or the Shanghai Tunnels, have a late night picnic snack in a cemetery or do whatever scares you while in a safe environment and allow yourself to know what it’s like to feel afraid and learn something about yourself. One caution, if you have had real-life moments of fearing for your life be gentle with yourself if you choose to get scared. Don’t do something to cause those real life horrors to come back to life.

Dear God, thank you for our imaginations. Thank you for safe places to be sacred. Thank you for the times we can learn about ourselves and still have fun. Be with anyone who is going through real life horrors and help us work to make the world safe so that the only scary things that happen are things that are safe. Amen.

The Problem with Men

Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let us go out to the field." And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel, and killed him. Then the Lord said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?" He said, "I do not know; am I my brother's keeper?" And the Lord said, "What have you done? Listen; your brother's blood is crying out to me from the ground!  - Genesis 4:8-10 (NRSV)

The United Nations Economic Commission for Europe data show that in the U.S. and Europe, 85%-100% of people convicted of assault are men. And 90% of murders are committed by men. Men are by far the principal perpetrators of rape, war, torture, incest, sexual abuse, sexualized murder, and genocide.  From: http://www.offourbacks.org/malepat.htm

As a man I am convicted. Violence is predominantly a male thing. You can argue about the figures but study after study and statistical report after statistical report shows that the overwhelming perpetrator of violence is male. Who are the mass murders? Who are the school shooters? Who are the architects of genocide? Who are the ones killing their children and partners? You know the answer, men.

It seems that there are many and varied theories about why this is the case. Some say males are genetically hardwired for violence, a warrior gene that has evolved to help us survive and thrive as a species. Some say it has to do with the lack of male role models present and active in the lives of children. Some say that the lack of social equality between the sexes is to blame. While there may be truth in one, some or all of these theories the fact remains that men are more violent than women.

In the stories of our faith the first violent act is Cain killing Abel out of jealousy. One of the Ten Commandments specifically forbids killing, “Thou shall not kill.” Jesus refuses to lead a violent uprising. Paul advocates civil disobedience not revolution. Yet even the Church has come to the place of sanctifying violence with the Crusades and the “Just War Theory” to name a couple examples. And who is it that runs civil governments and ecclesiastical institutions? Overwhelming men, that’s who.

I’m not sure where I want to go with this. I know that deep inside me is a belief that men are basically good, peaceful, non-violent types who want to see a world of harmony and peace. I also know that not so deep within me is a drive to make sure my family is safe and secure, that I will defend those I care about, and that if violence is the only means to that end I’m afraid that would be my response.

I believe that in most things that are on a spectrum the best place to land is at the balance point. I believe that we are living the best we can when things are balanced – enough fun and work to balance, enough alone time and time with others to balance, enough love received and love given to balance… So as a man I feel that my goal needs to be to find a balance, not with using enough violence and refraining from it but with the feelings and emotions that I have concerning how I want to engage the world. Using violence is never a good idea and if I must use it I do so knowing that there will be consequences. You see in the Cain and Abel story Cain wasn’t punished by God, his actions had consequences and in fact God protected Cain from others who sought violence against him.

We are at a time when the human male needs to evolve emotionally. Our nature and even our nurture may predispose us to violence but we don’t have to live that way. We can think, feel, and do the psychological and spiritual things necessary to keep our bent to violence in check and learn how to engage the world without it. We can do this but it will take work, it will take will, it will take support, it will take men willing to be the models so that other men and boys can see how they too can engage the world without violence. If we work hard, pray hard and are willing to keep at it we can alter the truth of violence and men.

Dear God, I pray for those who are victims of violence. I pray for those who are violent. I especially pray for all men who struggle with violence as a way of engaging the world. Heal us, help us to find non-violent ways to live and be. Help us find in you a model that will help us be the humans you want us to be.  Amen.

Being Persecuted

"Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable.”

Matthew 5:11 (The Message)

Let me begin by saying two things that have nothing to do with the topic for this Musing. First, thank you for reading my Musings each week. I really feel humbled by the fact that you want to read what I have to say. And second, this Musing is a bit long so I apologies for that up front. So on to the topic at hand.

Unless you’ve been hiding or not paying attention Pope Francis is in the USA for a visit. I have come to respect this Pope as he tries to walk a fine line between the traditional doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church and his believes that we need to care for our planet and for the poor and powerless and have compassion for those caught-up in divorce and offering absolution to those who have had abortions. But I am still waiting for him to speak “ex cathedra” on these issues. That is "from the chair" of his official seat as Bishop of Rome. This phrase refers to binding and infallible papal teachings which are promulgated by the pope when he officially teaches in his capacity of the universal shepherd of the Church a doctrine on a matter of faith or morals and addresses

it to the entire world. So I am watching and waiting, liking some of what I am hearing but 

realizing that much like the US President, the Pope can say a lot of things and what he says 

carries weight but in the end others have to agree and be willing to implement what they want 

in order for real change to come.

But something he said at the White House troubles me. This is from an online CNN story:

{Pope Francis} said that it was right that society was "tolerant and inclusive" but warned that American Catholics were "concerned that efforts to build a just and wisely ordered society respect their deepest concerns and their right to religious liberty. That freedom remains one of America's most precious possessions."

What concerns me is that this sounds a lot like someone speaking about having their rights violated and could be construed to mean they are being persecuted for their beliefs. This is the language of the religious right and of many Republican candidates for President. They are seeing the recent Supreme Court decision concerning the right to marriage for all consenting adults and the Affordable Care Act requirement for funding of birth control and abortions as cases of persecution. This is the way Ms. Davis, the county clerk who refuses to issue marriage licenses to homosexual couples, describes her plight, as persecution.

I cannot keep silent about this, persecution, really? Let’s remember a few things. First off we are not a Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, Hindu, Wicca, Islamic or other religion nation. We are a civil society that does not recognize any religion as official for our nation and its people. This means everyone is free to worship and believe whatever they want. This leads me to my number two, because of our religious freedom we who are people of faith have to constantly assess situations and circumstances and decide for ourselves how we will observe, obey, ignore or violate the rules and laws of our secular society. If an elected official cannot fulfill the legal requirements of the job they have been elected to because of their faith then they are obliged to resign. It isn’t persecution to require them to do their job.

Likewise with the Affordable Care Act; corporations are not individuals and a company cannot have religious beliefs. It can be owned and operated by people who have religious beliefs but as a company these beliefs are not germane to whether or not the company complies with the law of the land. They can offer alternative plans, they can advocate for changing the law, they can protest what they are being required to do but in the end, their religious beliefs do not have any sway in whether or not a company has to comply with the law. This is not religious persecution; it is the price of religious freedom and a government that is free from religious controls.

If you want to know what persecution is read the stories about what is happening in ISIS controlled areas of the Middle East. Look at the stories from Pakistan. Talk to those who objected to war on religious grounds. Check out the history of our world and see all the times and places people have been truly persecuted for their religious beliefs (Druids and Jews in Europe, Christians under Rome, Native peoples in the US, Australia, Central and South America, peoples of Africa, etc). I do not think that an elected official who is told to do the job she was elected to do even if it violates her religious beliefs is persecution because she has options, she has other opportunities and her life isn’t at stake.

To those who think that the erosion of “Christian values” in American society and the laws that are being enacted that seem to violate these beliefs is persecution I say, “Welcome to what this nation was meant to be.” It seems that we are trying to find a way to be that civil society that is not controlled by any one religion or belief system. Christianity is not now nor has it ever been the religion of the United States of America. It has been the dominate religion and as such has held tremendous power and sway in our nation but as we become more diverse and more secular its domination is fading and being replaced by a more open, free and divergent understanding of what is right and true and just for a civil society. Just look at what the latest Pew Research polling shows:

The simple truth of the matter is that Roman Catholics, evangelical Protestants, and other Christians are not being persecuted for their beliefs. They simply are experiencing the shift of our nation from Christocentric to pluralistic and not liking that shift very much. This isn’t persecution, it’s change.

Dear God, thank you for this nation. Thank you for Pope Francis and his witness. I pray for those people everywhere who are being persecuted because of their faith. Help me to find my way faithful around this nation as we give up our past ways and search for ways forward. Amen.

A Boy and His Clock

Listen, you idiots—learn good sense! You blockheads—shape up! - Proverbs 8:5 (The Message)

Newsflash…A boy and his clock. I could believe it when I first saw the story about Ahmed Mohamed and his clock. I mean a 14 year old boy brings a clock to school to show to his engineering teacher because he is excited about what he was able to accomplish and he is arrested? Seriously? He was brought to the principal’s office and asked if he tried to “make a bomb.” He was arrested and led through the school in handcuffs. The police and school officials describe what Ahmed carried as a “hoax bomb.” When asked by then police what it was he carried he said, “A clock.”

I understand the precautions we need to take in our schools. Too many serious, violent things have happened for us not to be hyper-cautious. I understand the English teacher being anxious. What I don’t understand is the assumption that what he had was a “hoax bomb.” If he said it was a clock and there wasn’t anything to prove it wasn’t then why did Ahmed get arrested? I mean almost anyone could look at a box of electronic elements and see if it was in fact a clock or an attempt to make something look like a bomb. Why didn’t the police believe him? Why didn’t they ask the engineering teacher to take a look at the device?  Why didn’t they have a bomb expert look it over? I would think that any of these people could have told them it was a clock and not a “hoax bomb.”

I give thumbs up to President Obama, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Education Secretary Arne Duncan and many others who have reached out to Ahmed and told him to “stay curious and keep building” or something similar. I agree with them that we need to encourage curiosity and scientific exploration. I support children and youth trying things out and building things. I want our young people to feel safe and free to build things and bring them to their teachers to show off what they’ve done and to get their teachers to encourage and support them.  If we are so worried about safety that we are willing to assume that anything electronic that is home made is a bomb or hoax bomb then we are in trouble. If we won’t believe a young man who has never been in trouble and never caused people to question his motivations when he tells us what he has then we are in trouble. As Hillary Clinton tweeted, “Assumptions and fear don’t keep us safe – they hold us back.”

I can’t ignore the fact that Ahmed is Muslim and brown. I can’t ignore the fact that this took place in Texas. I can’t ignore the fact that the police chief is white and the school district official is white. I can’t ignore the fact that when it comes to people with brown skin and Muslim names the assumption by officials is the person is dangerous and their intentions are suspect. It seems that there was a very real assumption that Ahmed was not willing to tell the authorities the whole truth and they felt the best way to handle things was to haul the boy off to the police station. What if this where a white kid? I think his parents would have been called and he would have been warned about bringing something like that to school. I don’t want to make assumptions but I can’t ignore all this.

I have read stories about 5 year olds being accused of sexual harassment for trying to kiss a girl at school. I have heard of kids being dragged before police for having a pocket knife. And now we can add a boy and his clock to this list of ridiculous over reactions. Yes we need to keep our kids and schools safe. Yes we need to have clear policies and procedures. Yes we need to have very low tolerance concerning things like weapons, and sexual harassment and questionable devices. But we also need to trust what the kids say and take into account the circumstances and situations. We need to assume innocence and ignorance not malicious intent. And we need to figure out how to ignore the creed and race and focus on the situation.

I see that Ahmed is still suspended from school. Why? I see he is changing schools. I can understand that move. I see MIT says they hope he will apply. That’s good news. A boy of 14 has had to confront a situation that is incomprehensible and that’s too bad. A brown skinned person is once again harshly treated and subjected to things that seem out of proportion to the situation. Racism lives. A Muslim youth is assumed guilty, of having ulterior motivates, and of being able and willing to do something to cause fear and anxiety. Islamophobic we are!

Ahmed and all you other curious builders out there, keep at it. Even when the world seems against you remember that great things can come if you believe in yourself, your dreams and can move beyond the limited thinking of others.

Dear God, thank you for Ahmed and all those who are curious, who dream dreams and have visions and seek to explore your wonderful universe. Help us to name our racism and Islamophobia. Help us to see not the color of a person’s skin but their humanity. Help me to be a witness to how you want us to treat each other and the world. Amen.

                

The Cost of Doing What Is Right

"But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt.” - Luke 6:27-29 (NRSV)

A note before I begin, you may have noticed that there wasn’t a Musing last week. Nothing happened. The week got away from me and I didn’t get one done. I apologize if for some reason you were concerned.

Amy and I are considering some much needed updates to our home given the fact that the house was built in 1978 and still has its original gas furnace and aluminum framed windows. We had an evaluation done of our home and I received the list of things needed and associated costs today. I am left once again with a terrible dilemma, do what is right and suffer for it or do some of what is right and be inconvenienced.

To do everything they suggest and do it with the most energy efficient, planet friendly methods and products would cost us well over $25,000. Now that isn’t a lot from many angles but it is for us and where we are financially right now. If I compromise on what is best for the earth and go with what is ok I can get into the $15,000 range which is much more doable. But I don’t like the feeling I get when I consider going with the lesser option. And I know this feeling well, I get it often when contemplating where to do my shopping, what to buy, who and what to support with my time and money, and all the other places and ways I am confronted with the conflict between what I know I ought to do, what I would like to do, and what I feel I can afford to do.

I mean I really want to own a car that is the best thing for our planet but look at the costs: A Tesla Sudan runs $79,500, a Chevy Volt will set you back $31,000, and even a Prius comes in at $25,500. And there is the question about whether or not electric cars are better for the planet given the impacts of production and end of use disposal. I would love to buy fair trade and sustainable in all aspects of my life but they don’t make clothes in my size, the quantity of what I need often makes buying in this way expensive and some of what I want can’t be found.

Over and over I am forced to have to either go with my values and beliefs and it costs me or I compromise and it costs me too.  I am left with a question for the universe, “Why does it cost so much to do the right thing?” In a lot of ways I feel that to live out my values, my faith in the area of shopping and such I would have to be fairly well-off financially. It seems to me that our system is designed to allow for those who have the resources to do what is best and right while those of us without all the resources are left to do what is ok or not so good because we cannot afford to do otherwise. Sure I know that I have a lot more options than many others, especially those in under-developed countries. I know that if I really wanted to do something, get something, make something happen I could figure out a way for one thing but when faced with many things I don’t feel I have the wiggle room to do what I want to do, what should be done.

I know the argument that one watt saved is a watt saved, one drop of water conserved is one drop of water not wasted but why can’t I save many watts, conserve many drops of water? It comes down to cost and I feel that I could save more watts and water if I could afford to do more of what could be done instead of just doing what I can afford to do. I want vinyl windows, I want full insulation, I want a ductless heat pump but I can only afford the windows, the insulation and a much more efficient gas furnace. And I feel I have not lived out the values that I hold. I feel that I have had to compromise my faith and my relationship with God and creation. As silly as it may sound, I feel that I have let myself, others and God down because of the choice I have had to make, a choice based upon economics and not my faith and values.

I am truly thankful that God is understanding and forgiving. I am thankful that doing a little bit does make a difference. I am thankful that I do have choices and options. And I am thankful that I don’t feel good when I am forced to accept less than what I believe should be. I am also thankful that I can share my frustrations and limitations as we all seek to be faithful.

Dear God, help me make wise choices that reflect my beliefs and values, especially when they reflect yours. Help me to live with the choices I make and to never be fully satisfied with them until I can make the best ones possible. Thank you for giving me a sense of what is just and right and forgive me when I don’t do everything possible to be just and live righteously. Amen.

Marriage

…and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." Mark 10:8-9 (NRSV)

I could go all kinds of directions with this topic. I have so many things I could say about this institution, about what it means, about how it affects us, etc. I could go off on a tangent and talk about all the related issues like adultery, Ashley Madison website, divorce, etc. But what I want to Muse about today is what my marriage means to me.

Amy and I have been married for over 33 years. I wish I could say that it was a blissful and easy 33 years but the truth is it hasn’t been easy. We have had good days, good months and good years. We have also had bad days, bad months and even a bad year or two. We have faced a lot together and sometimes weathered the storms as a team, but sometimes we each had to go it alone. We have had years of counseling together and years of counseling by ourselves. At times we have found a balance while at other times we were on the edge ready to fall. Anyone that says to you marriage is easy either isn’t being honest with you or aren’t being honest with themselves.

On the outside my family of origin was like “Leave It to Beaver” but that image was not the whole truth. My mom and dad had troubles and were not the healthiest of people when it came to emotions, relationships and being a family. Some of it had to do with their own families of origin, the times they grew up in, and the experiences of their lives. Some of it had to do with the people that they were. And some of it had to do with the choices they made. Now don’t get me wrong, there wasn’t physical abuse, no alcoholism or drug addiction, no philandering and certainly no cowering and giving in to only one “head” of the house. In a lot of ways my home was a haven when compared to many homes. Still, though it wasn’t family paradise.

I am the product of that environment, of those genes and of the times within which I came to maturity. I am also the product of years of experience, of observing others, of reading and wondering and trying to figure out who I am and how I am to be in a relationship with another mature, thinking, feeling human being. For those you who don’t know her Amy and I are very different. We share a lot of common values. We care about a lot of the same things. We have similar beliefs and goals. But how we go about life is different. This difference has brought both wonder (awe) and wonder (bewilderment) to our life together. I can say now that it is a gift and that it has helped me evolve into the person that I am. In the ever changing flow of life I can honestly say that Amy has been a steadying hand and a voice of reason more than a few times and that our togetherness – our working as a team to face what comes our way – has provided the strength needed to carry on.

Eventually one of us will die. The other one of us will carry on. We will use our years together and all that we have done, survived, and accomplished to help the survivor continue on. I know that for me it will be hard but doable because I know Amy would want me to carry on. I hope she knows that I want her to carry on too. We both know that life doesn’t end when one in the couple dies, it is just another hurdle to overcome, a change in how we relate to one another and something else that we will learn from and that will bring growth.

As my brothers have struggles in their marriages, as my Dad’s wife continues to struggle with her grief, as friends celebrate anniversaries and kids who have grown up with my kids get married I have to say to God and the universe, “thank you” for whatever caused Amy and me to find one another and invest in our relationship. It is a gift of the universe for which I am eternally grateful.

Dear God, thank you for Amy. Thank you for our life together. Thank you for the joys we’ve shared and the hurdles we have had to overcome.  Be with all those who are married. Be with those whose marriages didn’t work. Be with those who are lost in grief. Bring comfort, strength and a sense of life to all who struggle in their relationships. And I thank you God that our nation recognizes that marriage isn’t about the gender of the couple but is about two people committing themselves to one another in hopes of making a meaning life together. Amen.