“Stay alert; be in prayer so you don't
wander into temptation without even knowing you're in danger. There is a part
of you that is eager, ready for anything in God. But there's another part
that's as lazy as an old dog sleeping by the fire." - Matthew 26:41 (The Message)
I am having one of those weeks, I seem to be lacking. I’m
not sure how best to describe it. Unmotivated is my first attempt but that
doesn’t seem quite right. So as I often do I turned to my Thesaurus. I entered
unmotivated and got a short list of possibilities: apathetic, unenthusiastic,
inert, shiftless, uninterested, lazy, indifferent, lacking in enthusiasm, and
not keen. None of these is quite right for the way I am feeling. So I tried melancholy.
And I got things like sad, depressed, glum, despondent, dejected, downhearted,
and the blues. Again, not really what I am feeling. So I tried malaise. Here I
got two categories, one was sickness and I knew that wasn’t it. The other was
dissatisfaction. Here were listed other words that have already come up
(depression, melancholy, etc.) But there were other words like discontent,
disquiet, unease. These are closer but still not quite what I am experiencing.
Searching for disquiet I got unrest, uneasiness, foreboding and alarm. When I
turned to dissatisfaction words like displeasure and frustration appeared.
I think this is the realm of my discontent, this displeasure
and frustration, this foreboding and uneasiness. Having played multiple sports,
I can equate my current state to those moments in the locker room before taking
the field or court. It was a time of worry and frustration. A time of
uneasiness. It was that uncomfortable calm-before-the-storm. I can only imagine
that people awaiting battle felt similarly having never been in battle myself. It
isn’t a doubt of self. It’s not an anxiety about my abilities. It is having
time to think about what is coming and to realize that no matter how well I
have prepared I cannot know the outcome. I always felt this way before exams,
before job interviews and before other major decisions in life.
Now I don’t think there is any great upheaval coming in my
life. At least nothing that I am aware of. No big events for family or close
friends. No life-altering decisions that are needed. Nothing to make me think
my state is due to the anticipation of something I have in the works. So what
is it that is making me feel this way? It could be the political campaigns.
Maybe it’s my SF Giants being the cusp of missing the playoffs. Maybe it’s the questions
surrounding the Duck’s football chances this year. It could be my thoughts
about retirement in a few years. Or maybe it’s climate change, the future of my
church and the church as an institution that is weighing on me. Maybe it’s the
sum of all this. But I think I know what it is. I have to decide about what
comes next.
A whole lot of stuff in my life, personal and professional,
has reached a point where it is now time to decide what comes next. It has been
a long time since most of the facets of my life were all aligned at the place
where a decision about what comes next was needed. I think it was back when Amy
and I were getting married and deciding where we wanted to live and serve, like
32 years ago. Then as now I am uneasy. Then as now I am discontent. And
something else is similar, then as now I know I want to let go and let God but
I am finding that difficult. There it is, the really source of my frustration,
foreboding, and every other thing that is swirling around me. I cannot know
where I go next because I am not in control of that.
This is what makes me uncomfortable, no being in control. I
have to just turn my hands palms up, raise my face to heaven and say, “Lead me,
Lord.” And that is what bothers me. I don’t believe in the puppet-master God
that manipulates lives and history so that everything fits some divine master
plan. But I do believe that God has a desire, a dream for the universe in
general and for my life in particular and that God wants me to discover this.
Over my life time I have narrowed this down and feel that I am honing in on it
but when moments like the one I am in right now come I know that further
refining is needed.
So I will live in this space of discontent, displeasure and
frustration, foreboding and uneasiness. I will listen for God’s voice. I will
wait for some guidance and the dawning of an awareness. And I will work very
hard to keep from trying to take control and make this time conform to what I
think it should be.
Dear God, help me to await your voice. Help me to be patient
as I seek guidance. Help me to live faithfully in this wilderness for a while.
Amen.
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