Living in the Gray

Then Jesus cried again with a loud voice and breathed his last. Matthew 27:50 (NRSV)

Well here we are again at the most unpleasant time of the Christian year – the end of Holy Week. We have remembered Jesus’ final night. We have walked with him to the cross. We have flinched as we imagined the spikes being driven in. And we’ve symbolically watched as he died on that cross. And if we are honest, we are unsettled and uneasy and unsure of what to do with this reality that we visit once a year.

One aspect of the job of being a local church pastor is facing death. Everyone must deal with it at one time or another but a local church pastor spends a lot of time there. We keep vigil with a family as a loved one slowly passes. We cry with the spouse when their partner is taken suddenly or with a parent when their child dies unexpectedly. We listen to loved ones as they share about the deceased as we prepare a service of remembrance and celebration. We comfort the survivor a month, a year, a decade later. Death is part of our life, part of life but more so when you pastor a church.

Regardless of how much time I have spent with death, the end of Holy Week is still uncomfortable. And I know it isn’t the closeness of death that brothers me. That happens because it shows me the dark side of humanity and our institutions. It lays bare the reality that power and calm rely on violence. It makes me face the fact that maintaining the status quo is often more acceptable then justice. And it makes me come face to face with my own bend to seek revenge, use manipulation, resort to force, and try to keep things in check so that the relative calm can continue even when it is far from what I desire or what is right.

This is what we don’t like about Maundy Thursday and Good Friday. They make us face the darker parts of ourselves. They force us to see ourselves in the betrayal, in the denial, in the crowd, in the soldiers, in Pilate, in the religious authorities, in the criminals, in the women, and not in Jesus. They make us uncomfortable because they show us this. Because they pull back our carefully constructed vials and expose our ugliness. Because they make us so very aware of how far away from the ideal we are. It isn’t the gruesome torture and death that causes us difficulty, it is being exposed that we really don’t like.

I might be trying to lump you in with me but I think what I am saying applies to us all to some degree. I really wish it were different but time and time and time again this reality shows up. It comes out when we bomb another. It surfaces when we wish harm upon the thieves that steal from our church. It shows itself when we lament the babies dying of poison gas and ignore those dying from hunger. It comes out when we fail to love as Jesus loves.

I ask you to spend some time at the cross. See Jesus there and recognize how far from him you are. Look beyond the wounds and the face drained of life and see the reality of our all too human ways. Allow yourself to be in the darkness of these days. Don’t try to run for them or hide from them or ignore them. Let yourself see who you are in the people and events of these days. Then when Sunday comes see the light, the life and know that we all have the opportunity to get it right. We all have the possibility to live as Jesus lived and love as Jesus loved. And know to the deepest part of yourself that God’s love, grace and presence are with you in every moment of every day.

Dear God, help me to be the person you dream me to be. Amen.

Discovering Who I Am

 But whoever did want him, who believed he was who he claimed and would do what he said, He made to be their true selves, their child-of-God selves. - John 1:12 (The Message)

Over the last few weeks I have been engaged in an effort to understand myself a bit more and how I react and interact in the world. Depending upon who you are talking with there are a variety of tools that might help you discover your true self, your way of viewing others and being in the world. There is the standard, the tried and true tool of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (those four letters that try to define you – I am an ISTJ). Another is the Predictive Index (PI for short) which I have never taken. There is the Traitify which is targeted for the Millennials and younger set and uses pictures in their process of typing you (again I have never done this one). There are two of a kind: Mayer-Salovey-Caruso Emotional Intelligence test and Adaptive Resilience Factor Inventory which bring emotional resiliency into the equation (not ones I have considered). And there is the Enneagram – which focuses on the influences of one’s basic fears and motivations (for those keeping score I am an 8). An interesting side, most ISTJs are not 8s; only 5% seem to fit into this combination.

Before I go any further I need to point something out. Any and all of these personal type tools are just that, tools. They do not fully define you and they are not all that you are. They help you know yourself and give you some insight into how you see and engage the world. They help you understand the dynamics of your interaction with others. But they do not control you and if my personal experience is any indicator, your specifics can shift and change depending upon age, stage and how you are feeling/doing at the time you take the “test”. The core of who you are may be indicated by these tools but they do not have the final say when it comes to how you see and engage others. You can develop and learn ways that are outside your “natural” self that serve you well in life. In fact, most all of us do this.

I have been delving into the Enneagram. I found a respected practitioner who evaluated me and then talked with me about how my type functions and shared practices and tools to assist me in working with others. He was very clear about the fact that what we were discussing was not the “final word” on how I see and engage others and the world but that it was a tool to help me understand why I react like I do and why others react to me the way they do. Ultimately what we are talking about is behavioral modification. I cannot change my reptilian response to the world but I can understand it and then let that understanding guide me as I try to become what God hopes I can be.

I am beginning to think that human evolution is becoming more about evolving our ways of behaving then with physical changes that allow us to better survive. All the major world religions are about evolving humans away from the fight, flight, and freeze responses. They all call us to seek a more social, interpersonal and communal way of being in the world. They all ask us to develop our compassion and to have empathy. They all look to our developing a commitment to the common good over our natural tendency to focus on what’s best for me and mine.  They all ask us to move beyond our “natural” selves and to embrace the humanity that God so wants each and every one of us to be.

I have said that I live the unexamined life. It is not a fair assessment of how I function. I examine myself but in ways that are not recognized. Only 4% of the population are 8s and 13% are ISTJs. I am one of the smallest groups (8) and largest groups (ISTJ) so I am a very unusual mix. This means that I don’t do things like others do, including self-examination. I also have to know that the way others do things will seem foreign to me, but that doesn’t make their way invalid or wrong, it’s just another way to do things. I’m 58 years old and still learning, who would have guessed? Life is a journey and if you plan to get anywhere you must learn and grow and change and modify as you go. Let the next stage begin!

Dear God, thank you for making me who I am – a unique and beautiful reflection of you. Help me to see others as unique and beautiful reflections of you. Amen.

Unconverted Places

I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. John 13:34 (NRSV)

Did Jesus have a family? I know he did but this commandment to love one another is really hard when you apply it to family – to that family member you are estranged from because of very good reasons. Jesus must have been a really good person to be able to love that one that I am sure was in his family.

I am happy to say that the person in question is not directly related to me, in fact they connect with me by marriage only. The issues of why this person is estranged and all aren’t relevant to this Musing so let’s just say that the reasons are just and good and healthy for us all except for the one.

I think about what Jesus asks of me, to love others, to love my enemies, to love as he loves me and I find myself sorely lacking. I can love my friends and most of my family. I can love the faceless others of ISIS or whatever extremist or hate group. I can love the obnoxious neighbor or person on the train. But I find it so hard to love someone that deliberately seek to harm me or the ones I love. I find it hard to love someone who is willing to let profit be their guide in all things. I find it hard to love a leader that won’t see how rhetoric and lies and wholesale tossing out of programs and institutions damages the core of our humanity and nation. And I find it very hard to love a family member that will not do the things they need to do to be healthy and whole so they can have a meaningful connection with the rest of us.

Bishop Woody White once said something like “We all have unconverted places.” He was referencing conversation, the taking on of the challenge to be a partner of God and Christ and how even when we buy in lock, stock, and barrel there are still those unconverted places in our lives. The places we need God most and the places where we are severely challenged to live out our faith. I never liked this. It reminds me of the multitude of places that my life does not reflect my faith, values and core beliefs. In the dark of the morning when I am closeted with God these places are the ones that show through even when I try hard to cover them over or hide and ignore them.

Part of my struggle with these unconverted places is that they cause me to doubt myself. When I am unable to muster the love Christ calls me to share I wonder if I am being fair, just, righteous in my disdain for that person. I question my motives and my decisions. And I am uncertain about how seriously I take my partnership with God and Christ because I can’t seem to love as Christ loves.

I’ve been at this pastoring thing for well over 30 years so I have used every response and comfort when others have come to me with this same dilemma. My responses and comfort are genuine and heartfelt and I believe them but when I try to make them work in my own unconverted places I find them lacking. Is my faith not strong enough? Is my connection with God and Christ not deep enough? Why is it that after years of prayer, Bible study, therapy, and discernment I still have this unconverted place?

And then a truth shines forth. I am asked to love as Christ loves, perfectly. I am not perfect. I am moving on to perfection (to use a favorite Methodist phrase). This isn’t an excuse or a rationalization. It is a recognition that faithfulness isn’t a destination. It is a journey. It is remembering that I am asked to do the best I can and then try to do better. It is the honest acceptance of myself as I am and a determination to get to a better place.

With the family member in question I am civil. I am compassionate. I try to listen. But I am also honest and clear about the boundary between us. I realize that I can go only so far for now. And sometimes that is far enough even as a partner of God and Christ. Maybe that is as close to loving as Christ loves that I can get. There may be hell to pay for my inability to move further in my loving this person. But I can only go so far and then I must stop, recognizing that the gulf is not bridged.

Dear God, thank you for the imperfection of my life. Thank you for the unconverted places that remind me I am on the journey, on the way and that I still have a long way to go. I pray for those that I cannot yet love and ask that you help me grow so that I might be able one day to love them. Thank you for loving me despite my inability to love some others. Amen.

What Have I Done!

And the Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. He was in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan; and he was with the wild beasts; and the angels waited on him. - Mark 1:12-13 (NRSV)

In case you haven’t heard, the Bishop of the Greater Northwest Area of the United Methodist Church will be appointing me as District Superintendent (DS) of the Cascadia District of the Oregon-Idaho Annual Conference on July 1^st. The conference website describes the district like this: The Cascadia District consists of 49 congregations and one Hispanic Fellowship, stretching from the north Oregon coast to the high desert of Eastern Oregon. A defining geographical feature of this entire region is the Cascade Mountain Range, which has a profound influence on the physical and social life across the region. "Cascadia" refers to the whole region, a diverse set of local communities which have in common being impacted by the mountains. Likewise, the congregations which make up the Cascadia District are contextually diverse expressions of our common faith in Christ and our shared United Methodist heritage. In other words, a large diverse geographic area with faithful United Methodists scattered among those geographic features.

I selected the passage above not because of the temptation angle. I selected it because I am pretty sure that when Jesus came out of the River Jordan he needed to figure out what was going on and made a break for a place where he could have time to get his head, heart, and spirit around what he now knew about himself. I may be reading into it but I think Jesus must have dropped down and put his head in his hands and muttered, “What have I done?” Which no doubt was followed by an even more heartfelt “WTF!” (Sorry if this offends you but I can’t help believing that Jesus was as human as you and me and therefore would have had this kind of reaction to the Spirit and a dove and a voice from heaven.)

I too am feeling “What have I done?” I too am saying, “WTF!” It’s not that I don’t think I can do the job of DS. It’s not that I am frustrated about the appointment. It’s not about feeling overwhelmed. It is all about realizing that I said “Yes!” to doing something I never anticipated being asked to do. I think Jesus never anticipated the decent of the Spirit and the voice from heaven. I think his head spun a bit and he wasn’t at all sure if what you heard and experienced was what it was. Now I’m not saying I had a divine revelation when our Bishop met with me that was akin to Jesus’. But I did have an “ah ha” moment. A brief experience of divine clarity and a sense that what was being asked of me was of God and I was being called to it.

I like to think that I have become more attune to the divine around me. I believe that God is constantly trying to get our attention. I believe that the Spirit is active in our lives and world. Not pulling strings or manipulating circumstances but present, real and infusing things with the holy. Once you begin to sense and experience the holy around you, you tend to notice it more and more. There is only one drawback really, because you notice the holy more and more you also are sensitive to its leading and calling and this is where I found myself. I realized that I cannot become sensitive to the holy on my terms. Accepting or ignoring as it suits me. I know I can say “yes” or “no” to the holy but I cannot ignore it. And so, we arrive at this transition in my life, the life of my church and in the life of the larger church. Just because I recognize it for what it is doesn’t mean I still won’t react from a place of, I’m not sure how to describe it, but that place we all have been when we are facing something unexpected and challenging.

I therefore say with Dag Hammarskjöld, “For all that has been, Thank you. For all that is to come, Yes!”

Dear God, help me to be more sensitive to your spirit in my life and world, even when I want to ignore it. Be with me as I trod a new path unforeseen. Be with the people of Vermont Hills UMC as they trad a path they wish they needn’t. Help us all to thank you for the changes and challenges of life for they bring us growth. Amen.

Letting Go. Letting God.

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. - Psalms 9:9-10 (NRSV)

True confession time again. I find it very hard to “put my trust in God.” I am enough of a skeptic, a pessimist, a doubter, and a whole lot of others things that make it hard to fully trust God. When I most need to let go and let God I am hesitant to do so. One of my favorite scenes in a movie is when Indiana Jones is standing at the opening in the cliff and faces a chasm. He rolls his eyes and says “A leap of faith!” Then he takes a breath and closes his eyes and raises his leg straight out and drops it down and almost stumps when it hits the unseen stone bridge that crosses the chasm. (This is from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.)

Being the paradox that I am. I seem to always come up against something where trusting God is required and I will pause. I will look out over the chasm. I will search for some other route. I will explore other possibilities. And then I will close my eyes and take the step. Because ultimately, I do trust God. Now we have go down a road that will seem of subject but to get where I need to be I need to write a few things first.

In philosophy and theology the question of God’s involvement in the world is standard. There are about as many ideas, theories and theologies as there are people who expound them. But when you boil it all down you get to just a few main ones. There is the “God as Divine Puppet Master” that sees God as manipulating creation in order to lead it and us to a particular place. There is the “God as Divine Machine Marker” that sees creation as a wonderful mechanism jumped started by God but then left to evolve as it will without any attention or intervention by God. There is the “Divine Carrot and Stick” God who tests and offers rewards and punishes failures. This is kind of the Puppet Master but more a “Grand Manipulator”. There is the belief that God infuses all creation and this “Divine Cosmic Ingredient” somehow flavors things and make them better, holy, right if we have the eyes to see and hears to hear. Some put forth the idea that everything is just an illusion and that God is the “Divine Magician” that pulls the wool over our eyes and waits for us to discover that it is all illusion. And of course, there is the God that is the “Divine Spoiled Brat” needing us to somehow appease and placate and cater to his/her’s whims and desires in order to receive his/her blessings. And finally, there is the “Capricious God” that we cannot comprehend and all we can do is try to live our lives as best we can while navigating the turmoil of God’s vacillating ways.

I think you can see how all this plays into the conversation of trusting God. Depending on how you understand God the trust you have in God means different things. There is one other way to understand God. It is God as “Divine Companion.” Here God walks with you in life. Not throwing roadblocks or waiting for you to find the correct path. No, God journeys with you; offering support, comfort, nurture, guidance, and a vision of what you and life can be. God as a partner in life’s journey there to go the distance with you but not able to save you from the choices you make or the fickle way life can work. But always there to lend a hand, inspire, challenge, and give you strength to travel on. It is this God that I trust when faced with life’s many and variety options and alternatives. It is this God that I finally and ultimately trust to be the stone bridge that my foot slams into when I take that leap of faith. So, whenever I have a decision to make that has more than a passing impact on my life I do my due diligence and then close my eyes and raise my leg and step out, trusting that God is there.

Dear God, help me to trust in you. Whenever life gets to be too much help me to turn to you. Whenever I find myself unsure help me to know you are there with me as I journey. Thank you for always being ready to support me, guide me, comfort me, and pick me up when I fall. Thank you for our partnership and help me to be faithful in fulfilling my part. Amen.

Sins of Commission and Omission

Good leaders abhor wrongdoing of all kinds; sound leadership has a moral foundation. Good leaders cultivate honest speech; they love advisers who tell them the truth. - Proverbs 16:12-13 (The Message)

With what has come to light over the last day or so about one of the new leadership in our country I got to reflecting on the topic of sin and in particular sins of commission and omission and their impact on trust and what they have to say about moral character.

First what is a sin? I believe sin is something that harms your connection with God, self, others, and creation. It is something you have done or said that adversely affects others. It is also the things you don’t do or say when refraining from saying or doing harms those same connections. Sins of commission are those sins that we commit that we know were wrong and that we regret doing or saying. Sins of omission are the things we fail to say or do that we also know are wrong but that we really don’t regret because we think we get away with them. These are like being asked if you had any contact with Russian officials during the campaign and you answer “no” because you are thinking that the question had to do with contact as a part of the campaign when you were in touch because of another role you fulfill. You know the intent of the question but you think by omitting the information you have done nothing wrong because you weren’t in contact because of the campaign.

It is very easy to fall into this trap of sins of omission. We humans like to play the game of “You didn’t ask me that specifically.” You know how it goes, you more than likely played it when you were younger, maybe a teenager and your folks asked you a question and because it wasn’t specific enough you gave an answer they would want to hear instead of owning up to the reality that you were guilty. Technicalities are what we call them and boy are we good at working them when it saves our bacon. The problem with using technicalities is that when it becomes obvious that you did it, or knew it, or were aware of it your morals and ethics become suspect. People can’t trust that what you say and do fits with who you are and what you profess. In some ways, I think these sins of omission are much more damaging than sins of commission.

When I have sinned and I own up to it and pledge to do better I am showing my true self. I am admitting my flaws and shortcomings and promising to do better. My moral and ethical self is reflected in my willingness to admit my sin and to sincerely try and do better. When I have sinned because of conscious omission I have already brought into question my morals and ethics. To let a technicality supersede my truthful owning up to something is to make myself suspect. I have violated trust because I have deliberately chosen to use that technicality knowing that it will free me from omitting what I have done and suffering any consequences of that action.

When someone lets themselves off the hook in these ways and they are found out we can’t help but ask, “What else aren’t they telling us? What others questions did they skirt because of a technicality? Why should I believe them next time?” And this is why I think sins of omission are more damaging. They break the bond of trust and force you to reexamine the sinner to see where else they might have omitted what they should have owned. Entering into a contract with someone knowing that you will not fulfill your part is a sin of omission. Calculating the risk and cost of cutting a corner and finding that risk and cost acceptable is a sin of omission. Attacking the character of another to deflect scrutiny of yourself is a sin of omission.

I want someone who has done something wrong, immoral, or unethical to admit it and promise to do better. I don’t want someone who has done something wrong to find a loophole or a technicality so that they don’t have to admit the wrongdoing claiming innocence. When they do I must question everything else they have said and done and I cannot trust them in the future. It is a simple as that. Sin, admit it and promise to do better shows some moral and ethical commitment. Fail to say or do something or say or do something but find a way to not have to own saying or doing it shows lack of moral character and questionable ethics and lose my trust.

God, help me to own up to my sin. Help me to say and do what you need me to say and do everywhere and every time. And when I fail forgive me and help me do better next time. Amen.

Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out

Just make sure you stay alert. Keep close watch over yourselves. Don't forget anything of what you've seen. Don't let your heart wander off. Stay vigilant as long as you live. Teach what you've seen and heard to your children and grandchildren. - Deuteronomy 4:9 (The Message)

Ok so we are a month into the challenges of a new administration. We have been assaulted on many fronts and the rumors and rhetoric are swirling around like a tornado. There have been marches, protests, letters, petitions, calls to elected officials, and all sorts of actions taken. We have prayed for immigrants, Muslims, Jews, militants, refugees, people of color, women, and even the President and his administration. And for the most part things are still turbulent and chaotic with no end to this ride in sight. I am beginning to hear people say things that make me think they are tired and ready to just pull back and cover up like a turtle retreating into its shell. I get it. I feel that way at times too. I have been remembering a slogan from my youth: “Turn on, tune in, drop out.” I have been feeling the temptation to follow this advice.

So, I had to remind myself of where that phrase came from and what it meant to see if I really want to live by its intent. It came from the late great Timothy Leary in 1966 when he said it at a press conference. Here is the quote: Like every great religion of the past we seek to find the divinity within and to express this revelation in a life of glorification and the worship of God. These ancient goals we define in the metaphor of the present — turn on, tune in, drop out. ("Transcript". American Experience documentary on the Summer of Love. PBS and WGBH. 2007-03-14.)

He later explained what it meant in his 1983 autobiography: "Turn on" meant go within to activate your neural and genetic equipment. Become sensitive to the many and various levels of consciousness and the specific triggers that engage them. Drugs were one way to accomplish this end. "Tune in" meant interact harmoniously with the world around you – externalize, materialize, express your new internal perspectives. "Drop out" suggested an active, selective, graceful process of detachment from involuntary or unconscious commitments. "Drop Out" meant self-reliance, a discovery of one's singularity, a commitment to mobility, choice, and change. Unhappily my explanations of this sequence of personal development were often misinterpreted to mean "Get stoned and abandon all constructive activity". (Timothy Leary, Flashbacks: A Personal and Cultural History of an Era pg. 253)

Given what Timothy Leary said it meant I think I can safely quote it and adopt it as part of my way of coping with things. In order to survive and thrive in the present situation I must “turn on” my spiritual connections with God, Christ, creation and other people. I should pay attention to my soul and my psyche keeping both engaged and exercised so that they are functioning at their peak. Doing this will help me “tune in.” That is find and become active in the places and programs, actions and activities that externalize, make manifest, and show to the world my connection to God and God’s values. And of course, I can then “drop out.” I can commit to choice and change and discover how combining my connection with God to those of others we can mobilize and alter the world. In “dropping out” I can comfortably forgo giving the present leadership a chance, waiting for things to shake out, and shutting out all that makes me uneasy because I am coming at the world from my connections with God, self and others and know that what I am saying and doing comes from God.

I am fearful that many kind, caring, progressive people who want to protect others, save the planet, and make things right will get too tired and apathic and adopt that misinterpretation of this quote and just “get stoned and abandon all constructive activity.” We cannot let that happen. We cannot fall into that trap. For once we give up. Once we stop calling for change. Once we halt our marches and stop signing petitions and sending our elected officials emails, and demanding they address our issues at town hall meetings evil wins. We must remain vigilant so that our children and grandchildren, neighbors and friends, strangers and enemies all know what is right and good and decent. So as combat troops say to one another, “Stay frosty my friends.”

Dear God, help me to remain vigilant. Help me to stay connected to you, creation, myself and others. Help us all to stay frosty. And help those most traumatized by what is happening in our nation and world. Amen.