Unconverted Places

I give you a new commandment, that you love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also should love one another. John 13:34 (NRSV)

Did Jesus have a family? I know he did but this commandment to love one another is really hard when you apply it to family – to that family member you are estranged from because of very good reasons. Jesus must have been a really good person to be able to love that one that I am sure was in his family.

I am happy to say that the person in question is not directly related to me, in fact they connect with me by marriage only. The issues of why this person is estranged and all aren’t relevant to this Musing so let’s just say that the reasons are just and good and healthy for us all except for the one.

I think about what Jesus asks of me, to love others, to love my enemies, to love as he loves me and I find myself sorely lacking. I can love my friends and most of my family. I can love the faceless others of ISIS or whatever extremist or hate group. I can love the obnoxious neighbor or person on the train. But I find it so hard to love someone that deliberately seek to harm me or the ones I love. I find it hard to love someone who is willing to let profit be their guide in all things. I find it hard to love a leader that won’t see how rhetoric and lies and wholesale tossing out of programs and institutions damages the core of our humanity and nation. And I find it very hard to love a family member that will not do the things they need to do to be healthy and whole so they can have a meaningful connection with the rest of us.

Bishop Woody White once said something like “We all have unconverted places.” He was referencing conversation, the taking on of the challenge to be a partner of God and Christ and how even when we buy in lock, stock, and barrel there are still those unconverted places in our lives. The places we need God most and the places where we are severely challenged to live out our faith. I never liked this. It reminds me of the multitude of places that my life does not reflect my faith, values and core beliefs. In the dark of the morning when I am closeted with God these places are the ones that show through even when I try hard to cover them over or hide and ignore them.

Part of my struggle with these unconverted places is that they cause me to doubt myself. When I am unable to muster the love Christ calls me to share I wonder if I am being fair, just, righteous in my disdain for that person. I question my motives and my decisions. And I am uncertain about how seriously I take my partnership with God and Christ because I can’t seem to love as Christ loves.

I’ve been at this pastoring thing for well over 30 years so I have used every response and comfort when others have come to me with this same dilemma. My responses and comfort are genuine and heartfelt and I believe them but when I try to make them work in my own unconverted places I find them lacking. Is my faith not strong enough? Is my connection with God and Christ not deep enough? Why is it that after years of prayer, Bible study, therapy, and discernment I still have this unconverted place?

And then a truth shines forth. I am asked to love as Christ loves, perfectly. I am not perfect. I am moving on to perfection (to use a favorite Methodist phrase). This isn’t an excuse or a rationalization. It is a recognition that faithfulness isn’t a destination. It is a journey. It is remembering that I am asked to do the best I can and then try to do better. It is the honest acceptance of myself as I am and a determination to get to a better place.

With the family member in question I am civil. I am compassionate. I try to listen. But I am also honest and clear about the boundary between us. I realize that I can go only so far for now. And sometimes that is far enough even as a partner of God and Christ. Maybe that is as close to loving as Christ loves that I can get. There may be hell to pay for my inability to move further in my loving this person. But I can only go so far and then I must stop, recognizing that the gulf is not bridged.

Dear God, thank you for the imperfection of my life. Thank you for the unconverted places that remind me I am on the journey, on the way and that I still have a long way to go. I pray for those that I cannot yet love and ask that you help me grow so that I might be able one day to love them. Thank you for loving me despite my inability to love some others. Amen.

What Have I Done!

And the Spirit immediately drove him out into the wilderness. He was in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan; and he was with the wild beasts; and the angels waited on him. - Mark 1:12-13 (NRSV)

In case you haven’t heard, the Bishop of the Greater Northwest Area of the United Methodist Church will be appointing me as District Superintendent (DS) of the Cascadia District of the Oregon-Idaho Annual Conference on July 1^st. The conference website describes the district like this: The Cascadia District consists of 49 congregations and one Hispanic Fellowship, stretching from the north Oregon coast to the high desert of Eastern Oregon. A defining geographical feature of this entire region is the Cascade Mountain Range, which has a profound influence on the physical and social life across the region. "Cascadia" refers to the whole region, a diverse set of local communities which have in common being impacted by the mountains. Likewise, the congregations which make up the Cascadia District are contextually diverse expressions of our common faith in Christ and our shared United Methodist heritage. In other words, a large diverse geographic area with faithful United Methodists scattered among those geographic features.

I selected the passage above not because of the temptation angle. I selected it because I am pretty sure that when Jesus came out of the River Jordan he needed to figure out what was going on and made a break for a place where he could have time to get his head, heart, and spirit around what he now knew about himself. I may be reading into it but I think Jesus must have dropped down and put his head in his hands and muttered, “What have I done?” Which no doubt was followed by an even more heartfelt “WTF!” (Sorry if this offends you but I can’t help believing that Jesus was as human as you and me and therefore would have had this kind of reaction to the Spirit and a dove and a voice from heaven.)

I too am feeling “What have I done?” I too am saying, “WTF!” It’s not that I don’t think I can do the job of DS. It’s not that I am frustrated about the appointment. It’s not about feeling overwhelmed. It is all about realizing that I said “Yes!” to doing something I never anticipated being asked to do. I think Jesus never anticipated the decent of the Spirit and the voice from heaven. I think his head spun a bit and he wasn’t at all sure if what you heard and experienced was what it was. Now I’m not saying I had a divine revelation when our Bishop met with me that was akin to Jesus’. But I did have an “ah ha” moment. A brief experience of divine clarity and a sense that what was being asked of me was of God and I was being called to it.

I like to think that I have become more attune to the divine around me. I believe that God is constantly trying to get our attention. I believe that the Spirit is active in our lives and world. Not pulling strings or manipulating circumstances but present, real and infusing things with the holy. Once you begin to sense and experience the holy around you, you tend to notice it more and more. There is only one drawback really, because you notice the holy more and more you also are sensitive to its leading and calling and this is where I found myself. I realized that I cannot become sensitive to the holy on my terms. Accepting or ignoring as it suits me. I know I can say “yes” or “no” to the holy but I cannot ignore it. And so, we arrive at this transition in my life, the life of my church and in the life of the larger church. Just because I recognize it for what it is doesn’t mean I still won’t react from a place of, I’m not sure how to describe it, but that place we all have been when we are facing something unexpected and challenging.

I therefore say with Dag Hammarskjöld, “For all that has been, Thank you. For all that is to come, Yes!”

Dear God, help me to be more sensitive to your spirit in my life and world, even when I want to ignore it. Be with me as I trod a new path unforeseen. Be with the people of Vermont Hills UMC as they trad a path they wish they needn’t. Help us all to thank you for the changes and challenges of life for they bring us growth. Amen.

Letting Go. Letting God.

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you. - Psalms 9:9-10 (NRSV)

True confession time again. I find it very hard to “put my trust in God.” I am enough of a skeptic, a pessimist, a doubter, and a whole lot of others things that make it hard to fully trust God. When I most need to let go and let God I am hesitant to do so. One of my favorite scenes in a movie is when Indiana Jones is standing at the opening in the cliff and faces a chasm. He rolls his eyes and says “A leap of faith!” Then he takes a breath and closes his eyes and raises his leg straight out and drops it down and almost stumps when it hits the unseen stone bridge that crosses the chasm. (This is from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.)

Being the paradox that I am. I seem to always come up against something where trusting God is required and I will pause. I will look out over the chasm. I will search for some other route. I will explore other possibilities. And then I will close my eyes and take the step. Because ultimately, I do trust God. Now we have go down a road that will seem of subject but to get where I need to be I need to write a few things first.

In philosophy and theology the question of God’s involvement in the world is standard. There are about as many ideas, theories and theologies as there are people who expound them. But when you boil it all down you get to just a few main ones. There is the “God as Divine Puppet Master” that sees God as manipulating creation in order to lead it and us to a particular place. There is the “God as Divine Machine Marker” that sees creation as a wonderful mechanism jumped started by God but then left to evolve as it will without any attention or intervention by God. There is the “Divine Carrot and Stick” God who tests and offers rewards and punishes failures. This is kind of the Puppet Master but more a “Grand Manipulator”. There is the belief that God infuses all creation and this “Divine Cosmic Ingredient” somehow flavors things and make them better, holy, right if we have the eyes to see and hears to hear. Some put forth the idea that everything is just an illusion and that God is the “Divine Magician” that pulls the wool over our eyes and waits for us to discover that it is all illusion. And of course, there is the God that is the “Divine Spoiled Brat” needing us to somehow appease and placate and cater to his/her’s whims and desires in order to receive his/her blessings. And finally, there is the “Capricious God” that we cannot comprehend and all we can do is try to live our lives as best we can while navigating the turmoil of God’s vacillating ways.

I think you can see how all this plays into the conversation of trusting God. Depending on how you understand God the trust you have in God means different things. There is one other way to understand God. It is God as “Divine Companion.” Here God walks with you in life. Not throwing roadblocks or waiting for you to find the correct path. No, God journeys with you; offering support, comfort, nurture, guidance, and a vision of what you and life can be. God as a partner in life’s journey there to go the distance with you but not able to save you from the choices you make or the fickle way life can work. But always there to lend a hand, inspire, challenge, and give you strength to travel on. It is this God that I trust when faced with life’s many and variety options and alternatives. It is this God that I finally and ultimately trust to be the stone bridge that my foot slams into when I take that leap of faith. So, whenever I have a decision to make that has more than a passing impact on my life I do my due diligence and then close my eyes and raise my leg and step out, trusting that God is there.

Dear God, help me to trust in you. Whenever life gets to be too much help me to turn to you. Whenever I find myself unsure help me to know you are there with me as I journey. Thank you for always being ready to support me, guide me, comfort me, and pick me up when I fall. Thank you for our partnership and help me to be faithful in fulfilling my part. Amen.

Sins of Commission and Omission

Good leaders abhor wrongdoing of all kinds; sound leadership has a moral foundation. Good leaders cultivate honest speech; they love advisers who tell them the truth. - Proverbs 16:12-13 (The Message)

With what has come to light over the last day or so about one of the new leadership in our country I got to reflecting on the topic of sin and in particular sins of commission and omission and their impact on trust and what they have to say about moral character.

First what is a sin? I believe sin is something that harms your connection with God, self, others, and creation. It is something you have done or said that adversely affects others. It is also the things you don’t do or say when refraining from saying or doing harms those same connections. Sins of commission are those sins that we commit that we know were wrong and that we regret doing or saying. Sins of omission are the things we fail to say or do that we also know are wrong but that we really don’t regret because we think we get away with them. These are like being asked if you had any contact with Russian officials during the campaign and you answer “no” because you are thinking that the question had to do with contact as a part of the campaign when you were in touch because of another role you fulfill. You know the intent of the question but you think by omitting the information you have done nothing wrong because you weren’t in contact because of the campaign.

It is very easy to fall into this trap of sins of omission. We humans like to play the game of “You didn’t ask me that specifically.” You know how it goes, you more than likely played it when you were younger, maybe a teenager and your folks asked you a question and because it wasn’t specific enough you gave an answer they would want to hear instead of owning up to the reality that you were guilty. Technicalities are what we call them and boy are we good at working them when it saves our bacon. The problem with using technicalities is that when it becomes obvious that you did it, or knew it, or were aware of it your morals and ethics become suspect. People can’t trust that what you say and do fits with who you are and what you profess. In some ways, I think these sins of omission are much more damaging than sins of commission.

When I have sinned and I own up to it and pledge to do better I am showing my true self. I am admitting my flaws and shortcomings and promising to do better. My moral and ethical self is reflected in my willingness to admit my sin and to sincerely try and do better. When I have sinned because of conscious omission I have already brought into question my morals and ethics. To let a technicality supersede my truthful owning up to something is to make myself suspect. I have violated trust because I have deliberately chosen to use that technicality knowing that it will free me from omitting what I have done and suffering any consequences of that action.

When someone lets themselves off the hook in these ways and they are found out we can’t help but ask, “What else aren’t they telling us? What others questions did they skirt because of a technicality? Why should I believe them next time?” And this is why I think sins of omission are more damaging. They break the bond of trust and force you to reexamine the sinner to see where else they might have omitted what they should have owned. Entering into a contract with someone knowing that you will not fulfill your part is a sin of omission. Calculating the risk and cost of cutting a corner and finding that risk and cost acceptable is a sin of omission. Attacking the character of another to deflect scrutiny of yourself is a sin of omission.

I want someone who has done something wrong, immoral, or unethical to admit it and promise to do better. I don’t want someone who has done something wrong to find a loophole or a technicality so that they don’t have to admit the wrongdoing claiming innocence. When they do I must question everything else they have said and done and I cannot trust them in the future. It is a simple as that. Sin, admit it and promise to do better shows some moral and ethical commitment. Fail to say or do something or say or do something but find a way to not have to own saying or doing it shows lack of moral character and questionable ethics and lose my trust.

God, help me to own up to my sin. Help me to say and do what you need me to say and do everywhere and every time. And when I fail forgive me and help me do better next time. Amen.

Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out

Just make sure you stay alert. Keep close watch over yourselves. Don't forget anything of what you've seen. Don't let your heart wander off. Stay vigilant as long as you live. Teach what you've seen and heard to your children and grandchildren. - Deuteronomy 4:9 (The Message)

Ok so we are a month into the challenges of a new administration. We have been assaulted on many fronts and the rumors and rhetoric are swirling around like a tornado. There have been marches, protests, letters, petitions, calls to elected officials, and all sorts of actions taken. We have prayed for immigrants, Muslims, Jews, militants, refugees, people of color, women, and even the President and his administration. And for the most part things are still turbulent and chaotic with no end to this ride in sight. I am beginning to hear people say things that make me think they are tired and ready to just pull back and cover up like a turtle retreating into its shell. I get it. I feel that way at times too. I have been remembering a slogan from my youth: “Turn on, tune in, drop out.” I have been feeling the temptation to follow this advice.

So, I had to remind myself of where that phrase came from and what it meant to see if I really want to live by its intent. It came from the late great Timothy Leary in 1966 when he said it at a press conference. Here is the quote: Like every great religion of the past we seek to find the divinity within and to express this revelation in a life of glorification and the worship of God. These ancient goals we define in the metaphor of the present — turn on, tune in, drop out. ("Transcript". American Experience documentary on the Summer of Love. PBS and WGBH. 2007-03-14.)

He later explained what it meant in his 1983 autobiography: "Turn on" meant go within to activate your neural and genetic equipment. Become sensitive to the many and various levels of consciousness and the specific triggers that engage them. Drugs were one way to accomplish this end. "Tune in" meant interact harmoniously with the world around you – externalize, materialize, express your new internal perspectives. "Drop out" suggested an active, selective, graceful process of detachment from involuntary or unconscious commitments. "Drop Out" meant self-reliance, a discovery of one's singularity, a commitment to mobility, choice, and change. Unhappily my explanations of this sequence of personal development were often misinterpreted to mean "Get stoned and abandon all constructive activity". (Timothy Leary, Flashbacks: A Personal and Cultural History of an Era pg. 253)

Given what Timothy Leary said it meant I think I can safely quote it and adopt it as part of my way of coping with things. In order to survive and thrive in the present situation I must “turn on” my spiritual connections with God, Christ, creation and other people. I should pay attention to my soul and my psyche keeping both engaged and exercised so that they are functioning at their peak. Doing this will help me “tune in.” That is find and become active in the places and programs, actions and activities that externalize, make manifest, and show to the world my connection to God and God’s values. And of course, I can then “drop out.” I can commit to choice and change and discover how combining my connection with God to those of others we can mobilize and alter the world. In “dropping out” I can comfortably forgo giving the present leadership a chance, waiting for things to shake out, and shutting out all that makes me uneasy because I am coming at the world from my connections with God, self and others and know that what I am saying and doing comes from God.

I am fearful that many kind, caring, progressive people who want to protect others, save the planet, and make things right will get too tired and apathic and adopt that misinterpretation of this quote and just “get stoned and abandon all constructive activity.” We cannot let that happen. We cannot fall into that trap. For once we give up. Once we stop calling for change. Once we halt our marches and stop signing petitions and sending our elected officials emails, and demanding they address our issues at town hall meetings evil wins. We must remain vigilant so that our children and grandchildren, neighbors and friends, strangers and enemies all know what is right and good and decent. So as combat troops say to one another, “Stay frosty my friends.”

Dear God, help me to remain vigilant. Help me to stay connected to you, creation, myself and others. Help us all to stay frosty. And help those most traumatized by what is happening in our nation and world. Amen.

Being Prepared

…if the owner of the house had known in what part of the night the thief was coming, he would have stayed awake and would not have let his house be broken into. - Matthew 24:43 (NRSV)

I met this morning with one of the leaders of the Neighborhood Emergency Team for the Hayhurst area. The church is a staging site in the case of an emergency. It got me to thinking about being prepared for that Big One (the earth quake that is due in this area) and other disasters natural and human caused. Am I prepared for whatever might come my way? Is it even possible to be prepared?

I know that there is a standard basic emergency kit that everyone from the CDC to Homeland Security to the Red Cross recommend you put together for your home and office and car and for each person in those locations. I know that a lot of what is on that list I have around my house and office. I also know that the most important stuff may not be there at all (enough water, work gloves, etc.). And I know that it is spread out which can be a problem in a disaster. You can purchase kits and food supplies (some of which is guaranteed to have a 25-year shelf life). You can get kits for your car, for your home, for you to carry with you at all times. You can subscribe to a service that will send you more gear and supplies each month so that you will never have to worry about having the right stuff. There is even a sub-culture known as “preppers” who make every effort to have whatever they might need to survive the end of civilization. And our Mormon friends have this whole survival and shelter thing covered with detailed manuals complete with scriptural references.

I guess that I really need to put that kit together, spend the money, and make a schedule for rotating supplies and medications. I really don’t have any good reason not to. I surely am not one of those religious fanatics that will climb up the nearest mountain, spread my arms wide, and sing “glory hallelujah” embracing the end as if it was the culmination of God’s divine plan. In case you didn’t get it, I do not believe in some end of the world, apocalyptic Day of the Lord preordained by God to bring all creation to an end. I do believe that disasters happen, that a living planet like ours has destructive moments, and that humans can and do cause very bad things to happen that threaten life as we know it. So, I know that I need to be prepared for some disaster to strike.

But there are other disasters that can’t be prepare for by assembling a kit of first aid supplies, work gloves, food, and water. I also know that accompanying disasters of the physical kind are emotional and spiritual disasters. If – nope that’s wrong – when the Big One strikes I know that my psyche and my spirit will be traumatized. So, I need to prepare for that as well. I can include some items to help in my kits – a Bible, perhaps a notebook of quotes and sayings, maybe a candle or a rock or something physical that has helped me in my spiritual practices. I might want to include a game, cards, or something that can take my mind off things for a little while. Maybe a set of prayer beads would be good. And always I need to keep in my mind at least passages like “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change, though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble with its tumult.” (Psalms 46:1-3 NRSV). And “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39 NRSV).

So, this weekend I will dig out of the attic an empty storage container. I will begin to gather up supplies for my emergency kit. I will make my plans, figure out how to remind myself to rotate my supplies and get myself a little more prepared for what will, eventually, come. I will also work at my spiritual practices, because even if all my stuff is gone I can rely on the practices that have, are, and will see me through.

Help me O God, to be prepared in mind, body and spirit for the disasters that come. Give me strength of will and spirit to face whatever comes. Help me to prepare for whatever life may bring. Thank you for being a safe harbor in the storms of life. Amen.

The Rule of Law

Bring me a coin and let me look at it." They handed him one. "This engraving—who does it look like? And whose name is on it?" "Caesar," they said. Jesus said, "Give Caesar what is his, and give God what is his." - Mark 12:15-17 (The Message)

Be a good citizen. All governments are under God. Insofar as there is peace and order, it's God's order. So live responsibly as a citizen. - Romans 13:1 (The Message)

We will be hearing a lot about “the rule of law” as we head further into the new administration of the US government’s executive branch. Mostly it will be spoken by those who are rallying against what that administration is trying to do. I spent last evening at the Muslim Educational Trust event “MET Emergency Forum! Understanding Justice and Equality for All Through the Strength of Law and Compassion.” It is clear that many challenges to what the administration is doing will be relying on the standard of the rule of law. So, this got we musing; what do we mean by the rule of law and what do I do with Biblical passages like these two that seem to be telling me that it is my duty as a faithful person to support the civil authority?

Let’s begin with the rule of law. Here is what that phrase means in a nut shell (From the website: http://worldjusticeproject.org/what-rule-law):

Derived from internationally accepted standards, the World Justice Project’s definition of the rule of law is a system in which the following four universal principles are upheld:

1.       The government and its officials and agents as well as individuals and private entities are accountable under the law.

2.       The laws are clear, publicized, stable, and just; are applied evenly; and protect fundamental rights, including the security of persons and property and certain core human rights.

3.       The process by which the laws are enacted, administered, and enforced is accessible, fair, and efficient.

4.       Justice is delivered timely by competent, ethical, and independent representatives and neutrals who are of sufficient number, have adequate resources, and reflect the makeup of the communities they serve.

In other words, it is what I think most of us assume to be the way things work in these United States of America – at least that is the goal and we try hard to meet it. It means the courts are independent of other branches of government and to some extend of each other. That no person, even the President, is outside the law. And that actions by government agencies and officials are subject to the rule of law and can be overturned, modified, restricted, or labeled illegal. This applies to Executive Orders, policies, directives, and any other tool anyone in government can use.

Ok now to these pesky passages. When wrestling with the Bible I usually begin with Jesus and when it comes to the gospels I always go to Mark first since it is the oldest gospel and a source for Matthew and Luke. This passage from chapter 12 about paying taxes has been deemed authentic by the Jesus Seminar. (It was organized in 1985 to renew the quest of the historical Jesus and to report the results of its research to the general public. The goal of the Seminar was to review each of the sayings and deeds attributed to Jesus in the gospels and determine which of them could be considered authentic. More than 200 professionally trained specialists, called Fellows, joined the group at various phases. These Fellows represent a wide array of Western religious traditions and academic institutions. They have been trained in the best universities in North America and Europe. The Seminar met twice a year to debate technical papers that were prepared and circulated in advance. At the close of debate on each agenda item, Fellows voted using colored beads to indicate the degree of authenticity of the words and deeds attributed to Jesus in the gospels.  From the website: https://www.westarinstitute.org/projects/the-jesus-seminar/). I believe that Jesus really did say something akin to this which means I have an obligation to civil authority. When I bring Paul into the conversation and his words from Romans I must hear them in light of what Jesus said which leaves me again at the place of being obligated to adhere to civil authority. So, what do I do when what the civil authority is saying and doing does not fit with my understanding of the rule of law and with the character and values of God?

Paul Achtemier in the Interpretation: A Bible Commentary for Teaching and Preaching: Romans writes: “Both passages make clear that one has an obligation to civil authorities…as well as to God…the obligation to human authorities who rule for the purpose of restraining evil in human society, and promoting good, may not be ignored…Obedience to civil authority is a Christian duty, but it is to be exercised within the framework of the Christian‘s more far-reaching commitment of obedience to God.” What I take this to mean is that I have an obligation to critically access what the civil authority is doing and determine if it is restraining evil and promoting good. When it is, I am to support said authority. When it is not, I am obliged to act based upon my commitment to God and God’s values and will.

In the context of the rule of law then I feel that when an act, decree, executive order, etc. violates this standard it has stopped restraining evil and promoting good and therefore I am obligated by my faith and my partnership with God and Christ to do what I can to keep that decree or order from being executed. I am to disobey the civil authority because it isn’t functioning as it should.

You can say I am rationalizing. You can accuse me of playing fast and loose with the Bible. But for me, for my understanding of the faith, of what it is God values, of what is the character of God and Christ, and what my obligation is to God and civil authority I must stand in opposition to civil authority when it fails to restrain evil and promote good. As Martin Luther famously said when he was brought to trial for heresy, “I cannot and will not recant anything, for to go against conscience is neither right nor safe. Here I stand, I can do no other, so help me God. Amen.”

Dear God, be with our president and other elected leaders. Guide them as you can to have the overriding goal for all they do be the restraining of evil and promoting of good. Be with all those who experience the civil authority promoting evil and restraining good. Be with us all as we try to determine where it is we stand, how much obligation we have to civil authority, and how far we must go when we oppose what that authority is doing. Give me the strength of conviction to risk for your sake. Amen.